Pause for Sadness

ImageAs a single mother some may think that I feel lonely or long to be in a relationship with the father of my child. But, this is not true at all. In fact, I have more to do, think about, and provide care for than I ever imagined. And, I am elated to not be in a convenient relationship with my child’s father! To say it another way, I do not have a moment to feel lonely. However, to be fair, I do have temporary pauses filled with sadness.

Now these pauses of sadness have nothing to do with my current parenting reality, or that my son is living without an active father; because we have a phenomenal support system, the best to be honest. But rather, these sadness pauses are because of the moments; moments that I am witnessing, participating in and capturing alone.

It’s almost like going to a new restaurant; sitting at a table for one, and then dining on the best meal of your life, going back the next day with a friend, and the restaurant is closed. You can’t capture that moment again, there are no words to describe how fantastic the meal was, how it danced across your pallet and tickled your taste buds and made you smile in bliss and they will never be able to experience it so basically you are alone with that moment, secured in your memory only, never able to share, re-live or enjoy it with another person because you were the only one in the moment. Pause for sadness…

It also feels like, when you tell a fascinating or humorous story to someone and they give you that blank stare look, and you are in tears from excitement and then to make yourself feel better you say, “oh, guess you had to be there, “ or “inside joke”.  The problem here lies in the fact that you were the only one again in the moment and the inside joke is with you.  Pause for sadness…

Or another way to describe the way it feels is like this little girl in this picture seated on the merry-go-round, possibly her most favorite ride in the entire playground. But, her she sits not necessarily defeated but just sad… wanting to enjoy the experience of the adventure, the fun and the laughter of the merry-go-round but there is none, no one there to ride with, no one there to push, no one there to take a picture and capture the moment.  And so she sits, looks and waits. Pause for sadness…

Like this little girl I too sit, look and wait, not lonely or defeated but at times temporarily paused wishing to share the moment.

As always remember to be the sweet in someone’s day! BSM